The irony of this post is immaculate. Written by the most happily single woman in Southeastern Wisconsin: a blog discussing the wellbeing of romantic relationships. I recently picked up a few books on dating, began binging Sex and the City and even put myself out there a bit more than usual over the last couple of months. Every single and looking woman out there works their dating magic a bit differently than the rest. After working to figure out what works and what does not, I began to ponder on my favorite “single woman in the dating world” move: playing hard to get.
Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov was the first dating book that I read after it went viral on TikTok. Just Send the Text by Candice Jalili was the second. Jalili’s book was an easy decision to read after I reached out and connected with her a few months back and read her book from the perspective of a colleague rather than just another reader. Why Men Love Bitches was straightforward and direct. Argov gave it to you plain and simple, discussing why men seem to go after everybody except: the reader. Just Send the Text was more lighthearted and comical. It was a quick read to fly through, yet offered advice on how to take a leap and talk to men.
After reading these books, observing Samantha Jones’s dating strategies and doing my own thing in the dating world, I’m writing up my own insight on one of my favorite dating methods. Playing hard to get is when an individual acts as though he or she is not interested in having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone in order to make that person more attracted to him or her.
Playing hard to get is all about the chase. People love to chase and want what they cannot have. To coincide, people love to be chased. When a person acts like they are uninterested in another individual who IS interested (cough cough, the playing hard to get part), it turns the potential relationship into a challenge; a game. I’ll call the person playing hard to get the player. The person going after the player I’ll call the chaser.
Playing hard to get can be fun. The butterflies the chaser gets when the player gives in. The confidence the player gets when the chaser is fawning over them. The way that the chaser strategizes their next move: It’s all part of the dating world. Aside from the fun and games, how is playing this game affecting mental health and trust in the relationship?
When both sides of the spectrum understand to some extent the teasing banter and passive attitudes going back and forth, playing this game is appropriate and often times exciting. It is flirting and getting your foot in the door of a possible date, hook up or whatever you’re looking for. This is healthy banter, healthy talking. It has the potential to lead to something greater and move out of the banter, small talk stage. When both sides are on the same page, they can move forward together.
Playing hard to get can take a 180 turn very quickly. When the chaser is receiving mixed emotions and unclear intentions, it can lead to hurt feelings and the disappointment of being led on. The player can play so aggressively to the point of the chaser is driven away. That cute little flirty conversation that you once entertained has now turned into a broken relationship that was prompted by lack of proper communication. Because the player and chaser were truly in two separate games, the relationship that was once there (whether it be platonic, romantic or whatever else) is now ruined.
Being led on while someone is playing hard to get with somebody else is the biggest malfunction of the game. As the player plays hard to get, the chaser “sees” something that is not there. He or she is getting unclear signals or are taking things more heavily than they the player intended. If the player is playing the game right, they can be able to see really how interested the chaser is, and to what extent. Does this person want to be FWB? Date? If they are hoping for a more serious relationship, it can lead to major lead-ons no matter how the player is communicating with them. The chaser sees a wide future for their dating life and will take everything in to its fullest extent. However; if the chaser wants a more casual relationship, being led on can result in a failed friendship and maybe an end to speaking while they move onto the next…
However; there are many ways to play hard to get in a healthy manner that will (probably) not lead to an unhealthy relationship. Keep the conversation playful. Entertaining this banter should be fun and light-hearted. Don’t take things too seriously. For a lack of better words, make the conversation about you. If you love to talk about yourself: now is your time to shine. A bonus about this is that you can also get some insight on what the chaser wants out of you. If they continue talking about you and asking deeper questions about you, they are more likely to be interested in you for the long run. If they don’t care too much about who you really are, they are more likely looking at you as more of a short term fling. Allow some space. Allow enough time in-between texts or Facetime calls to make the chaser understand that you have your own priorities, but do not wait too long to the point where they question who you are as a person. An hour or two may be too short of a time frame, but a 7 day week is far too long. Understand who they are too and find a good balance of conversation time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?? Finally, have a heart. This chaser may be fawning over you but understand that they are a person too. This banter is a bit of a game, but don’t look at them as just another player. Be kind, be nice: it is all about strategy.
The difference between being engaged in the banter and being clueless of each others intentions is the deciding factor of the health of the relationship. Playing hard to get can be and is fun when you’re young and exploring the dating world. Entertain the boys or the girls, have a little fun with the single life — I’m all for it. It is no longer fun when emotions begin deteriorating and friendships are ruined.
So please, I invite you to play the game, play the field, play it all. Play hard to get or love the chase! However; keep in mind that we are all in the same single-life boats, just looking for different outcomes. We’re all human.
Playing hard to get is pleasing, appealing and fun when done correctly. Whether or not the method is healthy or not is decided upon the common understanding and intentions of the banter. Do not lead people on and if you feel like you are being led on by someone, block their number. Be young and have fun, but remember where the hearts of others sit!